To My Number 4

I have not blogged in two years....since the birth of our last baby but I needed somewhere to record my pre-baby letter so here it goes....

Dear Baby Number 4 -

Well, I cannot believe I am doing this again.  You are FOR SURE our grand finale.  I thought I was done after your sister but .... here we are again...waiting for you.  You know, I have tried to envision what life will be like when you get here...whether boy or girl...and it just seems impossible to imagine.  A fourth child in our house.  I feel like I have been in denial most of this pregnancy (and quite possibly still am) that we actually decided to do it all again.  Then again, my denial is quickly replaced by kicks and hiccups---a quick reminder that you are so very real and present.

So, what can I say to you on your own "baby day eve?"  You are in for a wild ride with this family.  You have three older siblings that are CONSTANTLY vying for attention.  They are rough, loud and can be downright mean to each other.  However, they can be sweet, snuggly and the best of friends.  I will tell you that what our family does, we do with ferocity.  We all love fiercely and fight passionately.  There is no passivity in the house.  Ever.  I hope you know that your brother and sisters are so excited for you.  They have rubbed my belly, talked to you, given you kisses, sang to you, asked about you and prayed for you every day since they knew you were growing.  You may get pushed around, bumped and bruised by them....but they will love you, defend you and protect you with everything that they are.  They want you here.  We all do.

As for Dad....hmmm...he has always wanted the "number 4" and it appears he is getting what he wanted.  He's been excited and laid back from the beginning.  He will welcome you into the fold just like the others.  Although the kids (and maybe dad too) think it would be great to have another boy to even things out, he will be just as excited to sit through ballet recitals, have tea parties and play dress up with you if you are a girl.  He loves his girls.  And he loves having a son.  He is just excited to have another.

As for me....you have been an enigma to me this whole pregnancy.  I've been so scared and worried about what baby number 4 will add to the mix.  I have to admit, I've spent a lot of this pregnancy freaked out.  And then I've felt you kick and watched you on an ultrasound and pictured life without you existing...and its impossible.  I guess its just been hard for me to realize you were part of the plan all along...not my plan of course...but His plan.  I'm thankful that God knew what I didn't....that you would be the one to round out our family.  I will tell you that I make mistakes every day in my parenting.  I lose my patience and my temper and frankly think I'm losing my mind half the time.  I will say things I regret and I will make bad choices.  But I will try EVERY. DAY. to be better and to improve...and most of all to let you know how very very much you are loved.  I hope you always know you were wanted and you were prayed for. 

So that is it....here we go.  I cannot wait to find out if you are a boy or a girl at this point!  I know no matter what you are, you will have a very special place in this family.  We can't wait to welcome you to the world.  Its a crazy world but you will fit right in with us.  I just know it.  :)

Love,
Mom